The Lady’s Guide to Perfect Gentility etc. By Emily Thornwell (New York: Derby & Jackson, Published 1856)
Etiquette Lesson #1: Gait & Carriage
A lady ought to adopt a modest & intentionally measured gait; too great hurry can injure the grace which ought to characterize her. She should not turn her head on one side & on the other, especially in large towns or cities, where this bad habit seems to be an invitation to the impertinent. A lady should not present herself alone in a library, or a museum, unless to study, or work as an artist.
A Gentlemen’s attendance. – After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting herself in a becoming manner, by walking alone unescorted; & if she passes the evening with anyone, she ought, beforehand, to provide someone to come for her at a stated hour; but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of the person whom she is visiting, to permit a servant to accompany her for safety.
In riding, the gentleman’s first duty is to provide a gentle horse, properly caparisoned. After seeing that the girths are all tightened, he leads the lady to the horse. With her back to the horse, she takes hold of the horn of the saddle, & the reins with her right hand, & places her left foot upon the shoulder of the gentleman, who stoops before her, making a stirrup for her of his clasped hands.
Raising himself up to his feet gently, the lady is able to be placed securely in the horse’s saddle. The gentleman puts her foot in the stirrup, adjusts her dress, mounts his own horse & takes his position, usually on the right, but authorities differ, & many prefer the left. In dismounting, the lady, having lifted her foot from the stirrup, may be received in the gentleman’s arms.
Etiquette Lesson #2 – Attention to Others
When you are passing in the street, & happen to see coming towards you a person of your acquaintance, whether they be a lady or an elderly person, you should always offer them the wall, that is to say, the side next to the houses. If a carriage should happen to stop, in such a manner as to leave only a narrow passage between it & the houses, beware of elbowing & rudely crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more expeditiously; wait your turn, & if any one of the persons before mentioned comes up, you should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They also, as they pass, should bow politely to you in return.
Etiquette Lesson #3 – Never Use Your Knife
A lady should never use their knife to convey your food to your mouth, under any circumstance; it is unnecessary & glaringly vulgar to the eye. Feed yourself with a fork or spoon, nothing else; a knife is only to be used for cutting the food. The knife & fork should not be held upright in the hands, but always sloping; when done, lay them parallel to each other upon the plate. When you eat, bend the body a little toward your plate in a polite manner; do not gnaw bones at the table, always use your napkin before & after drinking.
Etiquette Lesson #4 – Decorum at The Table
It is ridiculous to make a display of your napkin; to attach it with pins to your bosom, or to pass it through your button; to use a fork in eating soup; to ask for meat instead of beef; for poultry instead of chicken; to turn up your cuffs in carving; to take bread, even when it is within your reach, instead of calling upon the servant; to cut with a knife your bread which should be broken by the hand, & to pour coffee into the saucer to cool. In conversation, be careful not to speak while eating a mouthful; it is indecorous in the extreme.
Etiquette Lesson #5 – How to Address Young Gentlemen
Do not be tempted to indulge in feminine indecorum, which may be countenanced, but can never be sanctioned by example; that of addressing young gentlemen of your acquaintance, who are unconnected [i.e., unrelated], by their christian names. It opens the way to unpleasant familiarities on their part, more effectually than you can well imagine, unless you have been taught the painful lesson by the imprudence of a friend. Any evident intention to display familiarity with them, will be more intolerable than absolute ignorance.
A lady’s influence in conversation.–Every woman whose heart & mind have been properly regulated, is capable of exerting a most salutary influence over the gentlemen with whom she associates; & this fact has been acknowledged by the best & wisest of all men, & seldom has it ever been disputed, except by those whose capacities for observation have been perverted by adverse circumstances. Always seek to converse with gentlemen into whose society you may be introduced, with a dignified modesty & simplicity, which will effectually check on their part any attempt at familiarity . . . .You may with propriety accept such delicate attentions as polished & refined men are desirous of paying, but never solicit them, or appear to be expecting them.
Etiquette Lesson #6 – Lady’s Proper Attire
Ladies’ morning attire.–The most appropriate morning dress for a lady upon first rising is a small muslin cap & loose robe. It is not in good taste for a lady to appear at the table in the morning without being laced at all; it gives an air of untidiness to the whole appearance. The hair papers which cannot be removed on rising (because the hair would not keep in curl till evening), should be concealed under a bandeau of lace . . . .
In this dress we can receive only intimate friends, or persons who call upon urgent or indispensable business; even then we should offer some apology for it. To neglect to take off this morning dress as soon as possible is to expose one’s self to embarrassments often very painful, & to the appearance of a want of education.
Morning Dress: A closely fitting morning-dress of plain cashmere, sleeves short at the wrist to display the full puff of muslin around the hand. A row of gimp embroidery from the hem of the skirt to the throat. Small collar of embroidered muslin, & cap of lace & ribbon.
Every one knows that whatever be the fortune of a young lady, her dress ought always, in form as well as ornaments, to exhibit less of a recherché appearance, & should be less showy than that of married ladies. Costly cashmeres, very rich furs, & diamonds, as well as many other brilliant ornaments, are to be forbidden a young lady; & those who act in defiance of these rational marks of propriety make us believe that they are possessed of an unrestrained love of luxury, & deprive themselves of the pleasure of receiving those ornaments from the hand of the man of their choice at some future day.
Walking Dress: for sociable calls, of plain stone colored merino; a short cloak of ture satin, trimmed with fringe; drawn casing bonnet of dark-green silk.
Etiquette Lesson #7 – Raising the Dress & Proper Behavior
When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With the right hand, she should hold together the folds of her gown, & draw them towards the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, & with both hands, is absolutely vulgar. This ungraceful practice can only be tolerated for a few simple moments, when the mud is very deep.
Etiquette Lesson #8 – Bad habits in the highest degree displeasing
To look steadily at anyone, especially if you are a lady & are speaking to a gentleman; to turn the head frequently on one side & the other during conversation; to balance yourself upon your chair; to bend forward; to strike your hands upon your knees; to hold one of your knees between your hands locked together; to cross your legs; to extend your feet on the andirons; to admire yourself with complacency in a glass; to adjust, in an affected manner, your cravat, hair, dress, or handkerchief; to remain without gloves; to fold carefully your shawl, instead of throwing it with graceful negligence upon a table; to fret about a hat which you have just left off; to laugh immoderately; to place your hand upon the person with whom you are conversing…
To take him by the buttons, the collar of his cloak, the cuffs, the waist, & so forth; to seize any person by the waist or arm, or to touch their person; to roll the eyes or to raise them with affectation; to take snuff from the box of your neighbor, or to offer it to strangers, especially to ladies; to play continually with your chain or fan; to beat time with the feet & hands; to whirl round a chair with your hand; to shake with your feet the chair of your neighbor; to rub your face or your hands; wink your eyes; shrug up your shoulders; stamp your feet, & so forth.
Etiquette Lesson #9 – Speaking to Your Husband
A lady should not ever say “my husband,” except among intimates; in every other case she should always address him by his name, calling him “Mr.” It is equally proper, except on occasions of ceremony, & while she is quite young, to designate him by his christian name. Never use the initial of a person’s name to designate him; as “Mr. P.,” “Mr. L.,” etc. Nothing is so odious as to hear a lady speak of her husband, or, indeed, anyone else, as “Mr. B.”
How a lady should be spoken of by her husband. – It is equally improper for a gentleman to say “my wife,” except among very intimate friends; he should mention her as “Mrs. So-&-so.” When in private, the expression “my dear,” or merely the christian name, is considered in accordance with the best usage among the more refined.
Etiquette Lesson #10 – Requisites to Female Beauty
Exercise is unquestionably one of the very best means for the preservation of health; but its real importance is unknown, or but too lightly considered by the majority of females. Were they, however, to be made fully sensible of its extraordinary power in preserving the vigor of the body, in augmenting its capability to resist disease, in promoting its symmetrical development, in improving the freshness & brilliancy of the complexion, as well as its influence in prolonging the charms of beauty to an advanced age, they would shake off the prejudices by which they have been so long enthralled, & not voluntarily abandon means so completely within their power, & so simple, of enhancing all their physical perfections.
But let it be recollected, that to produce its beneficial effects, exercise must be taken in the open air. Not all the occupations appertaining to the domestic duties of a female, though they may require her to bustle from garret to cellar, will impart the kind of action to the different portions of the body by which her health & beauty shall be essentially improved.